Welcome to our latest blog post! Today, we are excited to share with you some short funny quotes that are sure to bring a smile to your face. Whether you’re in need of a good chuckle or just looking for a little pick-me-up, we’ve got you covered. Our team has scoured the internet to compile a list of the funniest quotes out there, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the laughs!
Short Funny Quotes With Images
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way – Anonymous.
How can I miss if you won’t go away? – Anonymous.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest – Anonymous.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake – Bob Hope.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing – Charles Caleb Colton.
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back – David Brent.
If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried – David Brent.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing – Emo Philips.
I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house – Gabor.
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy – Gary Busey.
It is most unwise for people in love to marry – George Bernard Shaw.
Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse – George Bernard Shaw.
Every man over forty is a scoundrel – George Bernard Shaw.
Short Funny Quotes With Images
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury – George Burns.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark – George Carlin.
We need an energy bill that encourages consumption – George W Bush.
A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections – George Eliot.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot – Groucho Marx.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception – Groucho Marx.
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon – Groucho Marx.
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you – Groucho Marx.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women – Groucho Marx.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them – Harry S. Truman.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money – Henny Youngman.
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender – Homer Simpson.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is “never try” – Homer Simpson.
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs – Jeanne-Marie Roland.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names – John F. Kennedy.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you – Katharine Hepburn.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils – Louis Hector Berlioz.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere – Mae West.
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache – Mae West.
She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong – Mae West.
Women are as old as they feel – and men are old when they lose their feelings – Mae West.
Men are all alike – except the one you’ve met who’s different – Mae West.
The best way to behave is to misbehave – Mae West.
Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself – Mae West.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it – Mae West.
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else – Mae West.
I never loved another person the way I loved myself – Mae West.
Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for – Mae West.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before – Mae West.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting – Mark Twain.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint – Mark Twain.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce – Mark Twain.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark – Michael L.
The bravest thing that men do is love women – Mort Sahl.
I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop – Noel Coward.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying – Oscar Wilde.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much – Oscar Wilde.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them – P. J. O’Rourke.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect – Steven Wright.
God, if you can’t make me skinny, please make my friends fat – Tremper High.
I like children – fried – W.C. Fields.
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers – William Shakespeare.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else – Will Rogers.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed – Winston Churchill.
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable – Woody Allen.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens – Woody Allen.
In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker – Woody Allen.
I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me – Woody Allen.